From Issue 3.4 - May 1997
The smell of leather and pheromones have been wafting in the air as yet another spring approaches. Our brains turn into scrambled eggs as our loins take over our rational, highly developed decision-making abilities. We turn into leather clad apes in heat.
But beware, pervy readers! You don't want to end up bringing your latest, greatest victim...err, I mean date...home, only to discover that he donates to the religious right's anti-pornography efforts. So, let Mistress Midori give you a hand!
Clip the following "Pervo-Screener" and stow it with your leathers. Ask them these questions immediately after you exchange names and before you exchange saliva.
1. Where would you want to go for a first date?
a. a movie
b. Good Vibrations
c. Nob Hill Cinema
d. the poultry market
2. Which of the following moves make you hot/hard/horny/wet?
a. 9 1/2 Weeks
b. Deep Throat
c. Blood Sisters
d. The Little Mermaid
3. What is your favorite type of underwear?
a. Victoria's Secret or Calvin Klein
b. rubber panties or a jock strap
c. sand paper
d. a live chicken
4. For foreplay, you like...
a. long walks on the beach
b. silk scarves used as a blindfold
c. a Mr. S bondage suit
d. poultry
5. You have a fetish for...
a. "what's a fetish?"
b. high heels and Cuban-heeled stockings
c. latex suits from So Hip It Hurts
d. chicken feathers
6. Who is your favorite female sex symbol?
a. Cindy Crawford
b. Betty Page
c. Grace Jones
d. Big Bird in drag
7. What is your favorite sex act?
a. missionary position in bed with the lights out
b. doggy style with a partner wearing a strap-on
c. mummification with plastic wrap and liquid latex
d. two hands and an omelet
8. Which is your favorite sexual fantasy?
a. a Laura Ashley bedroom set with the lights out
b. a menage-a'-trois in black satin sheets
c. a hot evening with a stranger at a sex club
d. a midnight rendezvous at Foster Farms
9. "SM" means...
a. San Mateo public transit
b. Sensual Magic
c. Sadomasochism
d. Stuffed with Mushrooms
10. What is you favorite bedtime reading material?
a. Family Circle magazine
b. My Secret Garden or Playboy magazine
c. Macho Sluts
d. 365 chicken dinners
Now, use Mistress Midori's fabulous Pervo-Decoder. Add up the points for each question as follows:
a: 1
b: 2
c: 5
d: 10
If your prospect scored between 10 and 15, encourage them to enter a convent or join the priesthood -- they'll get more action there.
If your prospect scored between 16 and 25, they are fresh, eager, and clueless. Break them in slowly and you'll be their sexual deity for life... or else they'll turn you into the authorities.
If your prospect scored between 26 and 35, they are a perve poster babe... and they have probably dated half of your exes.
If your prospect scored between 35 and 45, they are a kink dynamo! They may wear you out, but you'll die a happy perve. I hope you have a two-week supply of lube.
If your prospect scored 46 or above, you have two choices. Turn and
run, or take a month off work and don't expect to ever walk normally
again. Can you squawk like a chicken?