From Issue 3.2 - December 1996/January 1997

Mistress Midori's Finishing School for Basic SM Etiquette

Meeting a Professional Mistress

This issue we begin a series on my favorite topic: etiquette! I'm sure your mother nagged your ears off about your manners. Well, I hate to say it, but she was right! Etiquette is especially important if you want to meet hot people, play well, and continue to do so for a long time to come. Bad etiquette is a pet peeve of mine. I'm half Japanese, and was raised in Tokyo where elegant civility is demanded; I'm also half German, and was raised by my German grandmother who expected nothing less than strength and grace.

While I could write and entire dissertation on the decline of civility and the debasing of sexual creativity in modern America, I will spare you (at least for now). I do sincerely believe that with a little improvement in general manners regarding SM and when approaching potential partners, we can all experience hotter scenes with more people, fewer missed connections, and less annoyance and hurt feelings.

Let's start with how to properly approach a professional Dominant so that both of you will have a satisfying experience.

Imagine you've seen the Mistress (or Master) of your dreams in a newspaper advertisement and have decided to call her. You pick up the phone, noticing the heaviness of the handset. You gingerly begin to dial, but hang up twice without finishing the number. On the third try, you actually ring through and she actually answers. Now what do you do? First, introduce yourself. Don't immediately start bombarding her with questions or rush to make an appointment without stating who you are. You may ask her at this point how she wishes to be addressed, as not everyone wishes to be addressed in the same way. Every professional Dominant has her own procedures around conducting an initial phone interview. So follow her lead -- after all, who's the Dominant here?

The following is Mistress Midori's "Don't" list:

• Don't grovel until you are given permission to do so
• Don't be rude
• Don't mistake the conversation for phone sex
• Don't ask or hint for sex
• Don't push if she says "no" to an activity
• Don't say "I'll do anything" (her idea of "anything" may be very different from yours!)
• Don't make an appointment you can't or won't keep
• Don't assume that she will do anything directly sexual, illegal, non-consensual, or unsafe
• Don't haggle over the requested tribute
• Don't show up late or early -- this is rude and inconsiderate
• Don't interrupt her

And my "Do" list:

• Do be respectful
• Do be honest about your level of experience
• Do clearly state your interests and limits
• Do ask about her interests and areas of experience and expertise
• Do feel free to ask if she is a lifestyle player
• Do ask her about her procedures for making an appointment, including her hours
• Do politely ask about tributes and donations
• Do call back at your assigned confirmation time
• Do trust your instincts about your compatibility with her
• Do listen attentively
• Do follow her instructions

If you follow these "Do" and "Don't" suggestions and the Mistress's guidance, you should have a smoother initial conversation, which is likely to lead to a more fulfilling session. Although these lists are specifically geared for a professional encounter, many of the suggestions can also be fruitfully applied to other types of SM (and non-SM) interactions.

Farewell until next time. Be good, and if you can't be good, then you must be exceptionally and delightfully bad -- while remaining well-mannered at all times!